After teasing and pursuing the sentient bag of muscles and fumes of leather known as Christian Grey, Anastasia Steele is finally done with him.
When Fifty Shades Darker begins, some undetermined amount of time has passed since the first film. It’s alluring when it isn’t trying so damn hard to convince you it’s sexy. If there’s any specialness in this clunker, it’s when the movie emulates Anastasia’s humanity. The movie is more concerned with how Christian Grey looks (during, before, and after sex) than with actually turning Christian Grey into a person. But he’s just not that exciting to watch, as he is regulated to delivering smoldering looks and stale lines. It shouldn’t be this difficult Dornan is in the upper echelon of the planet’s good-looking humans. I did not, though I did count morning-after scenes as separate scenes.) (* The number is a bit higher if you count sex scenes and postcoital scenes as two separate scenes. The film hopes that if it douses you with 11* shirtless Jamie Dornan scenes, you will find yourself dizzy with desire.
He’s doing a shirtless plank on a pommel horse. “If Dakota Johnson can be into this, you can too. “Yes, you can! YES, YOU CAN!” says the movie, pumping its fists with growing intensity. At times, it feels less like a romance and more like a Tony Robbins motivational tape intended to convince reluctant souls that Jamie Dornan is indeed the man of their dreams. It’s an expensive-looking compression of a luxury penthouse condominium and 14 sex scenes. Clocking in at 118 minutes, the howling, entertaining maelstrom known as Fifty Shades Darker is finally here for our consumption. Would Anastasia Steele ( Dakota Johnson) give Christian Grey ( Jamie Dornan) another chance? Would her lady parts ever get accustomed to the shifty, kinky nature of Grey’s list? Does Anastasia have parents, siblings, or relatives? How would Anastasia feel about starting with a plant, then maybe a pet, and then a relationship with a sadist? How does Anastasia feel about Hillary Clinton? Would she go to the March on Washington? Why was the first movie so skimpy on Jamie Dornan shirtless scenes? Doesn’t true progress mean the same number of shirtless Jamie Dornan scenes as topless Dakota Johnson ones?
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